I was browsing some user profiles on a website earlier today, and notice people claiming certain things about themselves that made me sit back and thing.  For an example, I saw a girl that claimed, “I’m kind of a big deal…people know me” That made me stop and think about it.  It’s almost like they are posing, and trying to push something to almost make it true.  And I think to an extent we have all done that.  This is also known as leveling.  People with lower self-esteem especially I think.  They try to do one of two things.  Either bring themselves up to other people’s level, or bring other people down.  It’s almost like they have to insult people to make themselves feel better.  I’ve met people like that.  And you will also notice that they don’t really do it to people that are strong willed, it’s usually to weak minded individuals.  When it comes down to it, why do people have low self-esteem?  I think I probably agree with Freud on that one.  He basically states that you develop most of your personality when you are one year old to two and a half years old.  That makes sense to me.  But that brings up the question, could you mold and shape a person from birth, to be exactly how you are, or how you want them to be?  How impressionable are people?  How influential are people on your life?  Well as far as thoughts and opinions, I think a lot.  But thoughts and opinions don’t make someone’s personality.  Someone once told me that happiness comes from “within,” and isn’t something that we can achieve by simply being around people we like, or situations that are fun.  I have to disagree with that completely.  In my opinion, people we are close to, and places that we live in, decide if we are truly happy people or not.  That ties in perfectly with personality development.  If you are in an unhappy home up until age three, although you can’t specifically remember that time in your life, it has an effect on you.  So can people change?  Can you alter who you are?  I don’t think so.  Just like I said earlier, you can pose, you can pretend, but that doesn’t change how you feel deep down.

Yeah, I accidently put 2005, just like I said I’d be doing for quite some time. It occurred to me today though that 2006 is going to be a good year. Now I’m not going to give you any arithmetical reason why (such as the 2+6 fiasco that was previously stated), but I just have a feeling it will be. Heck, I might as well try being a little more optimistic. I feel so restless lately. Maybe it’s all the time off that I had for the holidays, or maybe it’s just me? Time is such a conflict in my mind. Even after twenty years I can’t seem to grasp the concept. Why does it go by so fast? Make it stop please. It really does scare me. I’ll be twenty-one in a little over a month. That’s absurd. See I remember sitting in this exact place one year ago, writing about turning twenty. I hate it man! And it doesn’t seem like a year ago. As a child time passed so much slower! Why can’t we stay kids our whole life? See, growing older is just bad no matter how you look at it. 1) Time passes faster. 2) There are unfortunately to many important things in our life. 3) Life generally sucks. 4) Christmas isn’t as good. Four valid reasons indeed. I don’t remember feeling the need for a relationship as a kid either. See there’s my problem. I never needed a relationship until I realized what it was like, then you can’t escape that emotional addiction. See the Kelsey from a year ago would have done his best hide that, and not let anyone know, but he doesn’t work here anymore.

Isn’t it funny how much we change over time? Mentalities for one thing. My mentality on life right now is totally different than it was a year ago. I can’t really put into words how, but it is. It’s funny how our point of views on things change, and just changing that alters so many things in our life. A month ago I would have told you I was ready to marry a girl that tore my heart out. See now here comes another conflict: As much as I know I shouldn’t still have feelings for this girl, I do. A sad story? You may say so, but not really. Everyone can look in from the outside and say, “Why are you doing that, why do you go through things like that,” but if their own lives are considered, they have probably done something of equal stupidity. See I’m admitting that I’m an idiot, but we can’t control how we feel about people. We can’t turn a switch and change how we feel about someone. I don’t need friends that are going to tell me that I shouldn’t do things. To many of my current friends try that, and it’s so annoying. Just listen to me for a change, instead of trying to be a parent or something. Not a day goes by, not an hour, a minute, nor a second that she doesn’t cross my mind. I made the mistake of falling in love with someone that, apparently, didn’t love me back. What a world that we live in.

Sometimes I love life. Sometimes I hate it. Recently it has been more the latter though. I don’t have the energy nor drive to type out why that is, but unfortunately it’s the truth. I guess we can’t always depend on life to be perfect though, can we? 2005 was definitely the hardest year of my life. I struggled with so much this year. Some of which was shared with others, and some that was only personal issues. Why is that? It seems like there are just some years of our life that seem tough, but some that go great. It’s funny. It is an odd thing to me though, that I am struggling with one of the same things this holiday season that I was last year at the exact same time. Most of my close friends that probably read this know exactly what I’m talking about, and if you don’t, well that comes back down to being to tired and strained to talk about it. It’s funny, I seem to be the one always advising people that everything will be ok, and everything will work out just like they need it to in their life, but I just find it so hard sometimes to listen to my own advice. It doesn’t really seem like most of my friends care to listen though. Most of them are so caught up in their own issues. By all means I’m not saying that their issues aren’t important, it’s just that sometimes I just feel like it’s hard to find someone that actually listens. Please spare me the sympathy though, because that isn’t the purpose of this message, and for God’s sake, NO this isn’t directed at one person. It’s probably just me. I’m sure it’s just my own issues that I have to work out; even if I had assistance from people, it wouldn’t help. I just need time, that’s all. Time to get over my issues. I’m so ready for the new year. But I hate people that are all about this “New Years Resolution” stuff. That just makes me mad. I’ll give you an example; I saw one of the most ridiculous things ever tonight on someone’s blog. They had made a statement, and it went like this: 2006 has to be a good year because 2 + 6 = 8 and the number 8 stands for fertility and long life, or some crap like that. Give me a break people. That is probably the dumbest thing I’ve heard in a long time. Things like that just piss me off, lol. Anyway, enough ranting. Time to go mope some more.