History repeats itself over and over, and we fall into the same traps.  No, I don’t mean over thousands of years, or hundreds of years, I mean within our lives, within the last year of life, within the last six months of life, within the last 1 month of my life.  Yes, I am making mistakes in my life that I have made at least half a dozen times before, and I fall into the same trap.  And I don’t even take the time to stop and ask myself why, I just do it.  I dive into situations, and like an idiot, I don’t think about it.  

People are generally stupid, I will tell you that.  I have learned in my life that people do not think, and are so blinded by what they do, it is almost unbelievable.  I just sat on the phone and listened to a story that a girl told me, and the way that this guy treated her is EXACTLY how she treated me in December.  Almost every detail was identical.  I even thought to myself, “Oh my God, she’s getting paid back for what she did to me,” And she told me the story, and she said, “Can you believe that?  Why would someone do that,” And I replied back, “Ya know, people are just stupid sometimes.  They just don’t think about other people’s feelings.”  I even threw in there, “Ya know a girl did that to me one time,” And blinded by her own stupidity, she said, “Oh really?  Well what did you do?” And I just replied with, “Just let it go, they will get what they deserve eventually.”  I’ll tell you what though, the fact that she got it back doesn’t erase the pain, it doesn’t erase what’s been imprinted on me forever, and not even the same happening to her satisfies my wishes for her demise.  Nonetheless, I will have nothing to do with it, because that’s not my job in life.  Stop and think about that.  What role do you play in the history of the world?  Will anyone that ever reads this play a part, and if so, what, and how?  Maybe reading this will cause a chain reaction, which will get people thinking.  There are so many great minds out there.  So many people with talent, that is probably wasted, and that really is a sad thing.  Life can’t always be fair, in fact, it hardly ever is.  All the time, I feel like I get cheated with people, and I don’t say that arrogantly.  But I almost feel like with everyone I know, I’m expected to listen and be there when they need it, but then when I need someone to listen, they aren’t there.  This actually has caused me to feel a bit selfish when I talk to people about my problems.  I have listened to so many stories, so many sad situations, that I have problems expressing mine to people, because I feel like I’m not doing what I should.  I know that isn’t right, but that’s what’s always going through my mind when it comes up. 

I’m sick of political views and how overbearing everyone seems to get when it comes up.  Why does everyone have to be so damn extreme?  And on that topic, with Religion too.  Why in the world is everyone so harsh about it?  Example: An Orthodox Monk that lives near Moselle.  Everyone that lives around him claims that he’s a devil worshiper.  I am so bothered by that.  I am so bothered by the fact that people are so narrow-minded.  It’s just something that I really have an issue with.  And just like I mentioned a second ago, the same goes for political views.  If you happen to mention a liberal point of view to someone here in the south, they will go off and by the end of the conversation, want to go grab their buck-shot shotgun from the back of their twenty year-old pickup and kill you.  That to me is ridiculous. 

I guess it comes down to our point of view things.  People perceive situations differently.  I see people handle things in a way that I would never handle them, and I stop and think, “How in the world did that person do/say that?  How can they be that way?”  I guess it’s just morals and how we were raised, but I would think that most people would have some common sense.

I feel trapped.  Trapped in a situation that I can’t get out of.  No matter how much I try, how much I try and escape, I can’t.  I can’t mention what it is though.  I feel consumed, and I hate it.  There is something in my life right now that I cannot get out of, that I am forced to do, and forced to pretend everything is fine, when it really isn’t.  I feel like crying, screaming, and getting angry all at the same time.  I can’t explain it.  There are definitely some things in my life that I have to get straight.  I get so tired of pretending that everything is fine, and having to do that because of self-image, and things such as that.  Who are my friends?  I ask myself this often.  Should friends make sacrifices?  I think so, and I don’t always feel like my so called “friends” do that for me.  I guess I’m just at a major state of confusion in my life.  I’m sick of having to analyze everything.  I would give anything to be a kid again, and relive my life.  There are so many things I would do differently.  There are so many different paths I would take.  I think I just need to get my priorities on target.  I need to get my head on straight.  The bottom line is I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life from here.  I have no idea what I want/need to do.  That’s really a scary thought.  I mean I turned 21 today, and I have no idea what I want to do with my life.  Yes, I’ve tried those little tests online, and they don’t help.  I’ll tell you what I really want; I want to learn new things, start a new life with the knowledge I have now.  How do you do that though?  That’s not even a valid option if you want to know the truth.  That’s ridiculous.  I get so tired of the “place” that you acquire among the people, does that make sense?  I mean the appearance you have to people.  Everyone looks at someone and has a certain view of them, and you can’t get away from that.  You can’t get away from a title, or a label, and I hate that.  And no, I don’t have a bad title around here, there’s nothing that I’ve done to label me.  See that’s another thing, you just thought to yourself, “What did he do around here to give him a bad name?”  That’s the kind of thing I’m sick of, social norms and cultures.  I guess everything can’t be perfect though.  That’s life.

- We are shaped by fate just as we shape it

Our lives are nothing more than a glimpse, yet we place so much importance on them. We feel that everything we do, everyone we come in contact with, revolves around us. The human race as a whole is selfish, that has been summed up in so many previous posts, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t worth mentioning. Sure, life is the longest thing that we will experience, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t flying by for most of us. You know why? Because most of us won’t make a huge difference. We aren’t going to affect the world how a lot of great minds have. But if you think about it, we all think everything revolves around us, as a human. We sometimes have goals in our life, and every single thing that we do is just another step in obtaining that goal. Who knows what it may be? For some it will be materials, for others, emotional highs, and others, simply success. We can’t say what the future will bring, because we don’t know. We have no idea, we can’t predict it. We can’t base it off our past. Sure determinism tells us that everything we do is based off our past, but who says that is right? Who says that any particular belief is right? Think about the concept of time. Time is the most absolute thing we have. We can’t live without it. Our whole lives are based around the clock. Meeting someone at this time, meeting a deadline for a project, not being on time for a date, a friend, a lover. I don’t believe that God sees in time though; not as we do anyway. I think God is time. The Bible even says that God is the alpha and omega. Ok so He’s seen the beginning, He’s seen the end. Well millions of philosophers around the world would claim that is a basis for the fact that we do not control our own lives, since God knows. This topic has been touched on a time or two in the past, but still goes unresolved in our minds. Just like I said, it’s an eternal struggle. It’s a never-ending battle going on in my mind about that. But if you think about it, why can’t we be in control? If God is not traveling through time, as we are, and he sees it as a whole, then why can’t we choose? Sure, a lot of people claim God is malevolent, because he chooses to let evil live, but then again, if he stopped evil, people would claim we don’t have enough free will, and God is a puppet master. People, no matter what happens, find an excuse to disprove the existence of God. No matter if it is for their benefit, or their satisfaction. The things that happen in our world, no matter if they are good or evil, black or white, clean or dirty, people will somehow use those to blame God. Or maybe they won’t even blame God as I know him. They may blame their God. The cows for the Hindus; Buddha for the Buddhists, Allah for the Islamic.

Situations arise in our life, when we just don’t know how to handle them. We fret, we get upset, we cry, we rejoice, we celebrate, we hurt others, when they happen. How many of them truly matter though? Have you ever considered that? What, that you are doing in your life right now, will matter in ten years? What will matter in five years? What will matter in one year? Tomorrow? One hour? Ten minutes? One minute? Thirty seconds? Very little. How do you make this difference though? What do you have to do in life to make a difference in the fate of the world? Or, do you believe in the Chaos theory, which states that every single thing changes so much that’s unbelievable. That’s one reason that our world is so overwhelming sometimes. There are so many religions, so many philosophical beliefs, and so many people that know for a fact that they are right about things. Sure, I’ll hear one thing one day and say, sure determinism sounds true. It sounds like the way to go. It feels right, but then again, the next day, you hear a new theory, or discover a new theory, that seems so right too, but contradicts determinism! Christianity feels right, but look at Buddhists, they feel right. Where do we draw the line? What’s it going to take? It’s hard to know what to believe these days, but I believe there is a God. How active is God? You know what, I would love to know that. I like to think that God is involved in every single thing that we do, but I don’t know if that is the case or not. Now don’t get me wrong. I believe that God has the ability to assist us in everything, but I don’t think He does. I think in some things, He wants us to figure it out for ourselves. To strengthen our faith, to teach us. I believe that pain is our greatest teacher.

Infinite striving to be the best is man’s duty, it is it’s own reward. Everything else is in God’s hands.

- Mahatma Gandhi